Tied Together With A Smile
by Unlegally Insane
Summary: L/J in their seventh year. I am not proud of it, but I am not taking it down. Read at your own risk.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books, or this song.**

_Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty  
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you  
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty  
But that's not true, cause I know you..._

James looked after Lily longingly. He knew she was hurting, but he didn't rush after her. He had stopped pestering her about going out with him, when she started to date Caradoc Dearborn. James saw how happy she was, and decided that he wanted her to be happy. Even though he'd rather her be happy with him.

Unfortunately, Lily's happiness had been shattered, when three months into the relationship, she found Caradoc and a sixth year Hufflepuff snogging. She had been hurt badly, and James could see that. He had been interacting with her daily, just as friends, due to their roles as Head Boy and Girl.

Still, it hurt him to see her so sad. Even if she thought he had gotten over her, he knew she would always be his love.

Lily stared into her mirror, looking over herself. Glaring, she met her own green eyes. She hated her eyes, they were too green, just like her hair was too red and her skin was too pale. She felt ugly, as she gazed into the mirror. Maybe her hair, in its limp curls, was the reason Caradoc cheated on her. Perhaps it was her nauseatingly pale skin, or her overly large eyes. Maybe it was the fact she had pimples. It probably was the pimples, who'd want a girl with pimples? She decided it also had to be the fact she was an A cup. Obviously, she had no chance.

Suddenly, in a fit of anger, she punched her mirror. Nothing happened. It was so unsatisfying. Temples pulsating with rage, Lily stomped around her room, throwing her extra clothes around. How could her friends tell her she was pretty? She knew the truth, she was an ugly, fat, goody-two-shoes. No one would ever want to date her, and she would be alone. Except for her fifty cats. And maybe a couple of Kneazles.

Lily hated herself. She found an effective way to channel her rage, into her studies. But now, as she immersed herself in her work, she longed for a different outlet. She wanted to be able to scream and rage and yell, but she couldn't. She was Head Girl, she was a role model, she was the perfect girl. She had to keep it all in.

James watched Lily as she grimaced as she caught her reflection in the window in their shared Head's Common. He knew she thought she wasn't pretty. James longed to tell her how beautiful she was; the way her rippling hair made her eyes shine like emeralds, the way her golden-cream skin glowed against the black Hogwarts robes. He knew she would think he was lying. It killed him to see her so shattered.

What could her do? It wasn't up to him to put her back together. Dorcas and Marlene, her best friends, were having enough trouble getting her to admit she missed Caradoc. He couldn't help, he wouldn't be able to help. He was so surprised at her transformation. Where was the fiery girl who used to scream at him every time he asked her out? Who was this new meek girl? He didn't know who she was anymore, and that hurt him.

He was the first to admit, that if he thought it would help, he would kiss her. But it wouldn't help. He knew her too well. He knew she needed time. Heck, he had been giving her time for two years, persisting in asking her out. But now, watching her fade away, he was tempted to give up. He felt as if every day she was drifting farther and farther away.

_Hold on, baby, you're losing it  
The water's high, you're jumping into it  
And letting go... and no one knows  
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone  
That you might not be the golden one  
And you're tied together with a smile  
But you're coming undone_

One night, in April, Lily sat curled up on the window seat. She watched the rain pound the windowsill, washing away pieced of dirt. She wished she could get washed away. Suddenly, she sat up. She wanted to dance in the rain. Quietly, she slipped up into her room, and changed into a black t-shirt, and dark jeans.

Without regard to the rules, for the first time in her life, Lily ran down the corridors, until she emerged outside. Turning her face up, she began to dance. Letting the rain fall on her, letting the wind whip back her hair, Lily felt free, for once. Her problems began to ease away, until she was relaxed. She was spinning, dancing, running, until her shirt was plastered to her body, and her hair fell in wet curls on her face and back.

Lily felt alive. Laughing, she let herself cry, for the first time since she found out about Caradoc. The tears mixed with the rain. She could taste drops of fresh water, and drops of salty water. She gave herself over to her emotions, and stood there and sobbed. Finally, Lily felt like she had cried out.

For some perverse reason, she didn't want anyone to know she had cried. She was seen as perfect, as golden, as the one thing everyone should aspire to be like. She couldn't let herself become normal, ordinary. She couldn't admit she couldn't be perfect all the time.

Sighing, Lily began to sneak back into the castle, leaving a wet trail behind her. She felt clean and purified. As if by being in the rain, it had purified her, until she was whole again. She still ached over the loss of Caradoc. The what-if's plagued her still, but Lily felt more stable. She felt hope for the first time in a while.

Sitting in the Head's Common, James lounged with his best friends. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew made up the rest of the Marauders. They were eagerly planning a new prank, since that was what they did best. Sirius wanted to prank the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, and James was enthusiastic.

Sirius was pleading with Remus, explaining how Dumbledore would find it amusing, when the portrait swung open, and Lily stumbled in. She was humming ABBA's Dancing Queen under her breath, and her clothes clung to her figure.

James couldn't rip his eyes off her. She was gorgeous. He couldn't help but look at her chest, and was surprised how well defined it was. Sure, she wasn't huge, but she was in perfect proportion to her body. His imagination began to wander, before he quickly reined it in.

Humming, Lily climbed up the stairs to her room. Once they all heard the door close, James caught Sirius' eye. His face conveyed a message, _what the hell?_

_I guess it's true that love was all you wanted  
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change  
Hoping it will end up in his pocket  
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain  
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay  
Not his price to pay..._

Hyperventilating, Lily poured over her notes. It was June, and N.E.W.T.'s were the next day. She had to do well, she just had to! The past two months had been hell, watching Caradoc dating girls for about a day each, snogging the life out of them. She felt so alone, even her best friends had dates. Angrily, she brushed away a tear that trickled down her cheek. Now was not the time for weakness.

A rose appeared on top of her notes. She jerked herself up, to find herself face to face with James Potter. He just smiled and walked away. It was a beautiful white rose, and smelled delicious. No thorns either. Smiling, Lily twirled it in between her fingers, as she continued to read her notes.

James smiled as he saw Lily's pleasure in the rose. Maybe now was the time to make a move? After N.E.W.T.'s, obviously, but soon, before they went their separate ways forever. James hadn't even planned to give her anything, but he saw her tear, and wanted to cheer her up. It still killed him to see her sad.

Casually, her continued to skim his notes. He didn't need much more review, the N.E.W.T.'s were important, but he had nothing to prove. He would do well, he knew that. He knew he would be able to succeed.

Later, when all the notes began to blur before her eyes, Lily packed up her things and headed back towards her rooms. She was stressed out, and just wanted to scream. Then, right outside the entrance to the Head's Dorm, was Caradoc. Snogging Marlene. Lily felt the blood drain from her face.

Caradoc knew where the Head's tower was, his sister had been Head Girl. He was trying to hurt her. He was trying to show how he didn't care. Shaking, Lily retreated into the shadows, and tried hard not to cry. She failed, and tears began to pour down her cheeks.

Warm hands cradled her face. Lily found herself, once again, staring at James. With his thumbs, he brushed her tears away, and turned and walked away. Before entering the Dorm, he broke up the little love fest, and took off House Points. Lily felt as if the past two months had been a lie, as if she had just walked in on him cheating on her.

She was shattered. Her heart was ice cold. Her best friend had betrayed her, and a man she thought she loved turned out to be a vindictive arsehole. Life was out to crush Lily. She walked into the Common Room, like a zombie, and went straight to her room. She prayed for rain, but the sky was a bright blue, with no clouds at all.

_Hold on, baby, you're losing it  
The water's high, you're jumping into it  
And letting go... and no one knows  
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone  
That you might not be the golden one  
And you're tied together with a smile  
But you're coming undone_

Staying in her room, Lily cried. She cried for the girl she lost in herself after being betrayed by Caradoc. She cried for the loss of her trust in people. She cried for the knowledge that to learn, you had to feel pain. She cried for everything. Lily let herself cry, and hated every moment of it.

She was the perfect girl, the one that had a perfect life. How could she cry? What kind of example was she setting? Uncaring, Lily continued to cry.

Finally, late at night, Lily glanced out the window. The crescent moon was reflected in the Lake. The Lake looked so calm and dark. Lily stared at it, thinking of how the cold waters must feel. Finally, she decided she had to try to cleanse herself. She threw on her favorite bathing suit, and grabbed a towel. Quietly, she tiptoed out of the school. Unbeknownst to her, a shadowy figure followed her.

Lily reached the base of the dock, which extended far into the Lake. Without second thought, she pulled of her t-shirt and pajama pants, and began to run down the dock. The wooden boards had been weathered smooth, and shone silver in the moonlight. As she ran, Lily began to feel whole. Without stopping, Lily threw herself off the end of the dock.

Water close above her head, cutting her off from the rest of the world. The inky black depths twined around her, like a sentient being. The lake weeds twisted around her ankles and wrists, until she yanked herself free. Lungs full of air, she let herself fall. She sank deep into the Lake, until she felt as if she was falling into herself. It reminded her of herself. Black and cold.

Her lungs burned for air, but she didn't care. She felt better in the waters. Not safer, not calmer, but more one with the world around her. Until, arms wrapped around her and dragger her up, up towards the surface, and of course, reality. Scared, Lily gasped, and water poured into her lungs.

As she burst through the surface, she was aware of the person holding her laying her on the dock, before they cursed loudly. She knew the voice. If only her mind didn't feel so foggy. Was she dying? She certainly had inhaled a great deal of water, and that would explain the confusion. Suddenly, Lily began to cough, until the water was out of her chest. The arms dragged her upright, and for the third time, she found herself facing James Potter.

"Never scare me like that again, Lily. Just because I have stopped bothering you bout going out with me doesn't mean I don't care. Please, never do that again." His eyes were angry, and fear was mixed in. Lily looked at him, really looked at him. James rambled on, oblivious to her stare. James really was quite attractive. His dark hair was smoothed down, for once, since in was sopping wet. Lily however found herself falling into his eyes. They were hazel, deep and endless. The mixture of emotions, anger, fear, and perhaps, affection, shone through, and she couldn't look away.

"You have pretty eyes." It popped out, and Lily blushed to hear herself say it. "I mean, why or how did you know it was me?"

James rolled his eyes. "I saw you sneak out, and got nervous, so I followed you." Lily was touched, here was someone who really cared about her. Her heart filled with joy. Then, guilt quickly plagued her. She had been so mean to him previously, rejecting him cruelly, and yet, her he was. She smiled at him, her face lighting up.

"You care?" He nodded. That was enough for Lily. With a huge smile, she leaned in and kissed him. It was gentle, and tender, and everything a girl dreams of. It was the ideal kiss. "That was for sticking by me, even though I was rude." She leaned in again, and pressed her lips to his. This kiss lasted longer, more emotions going into it. "That was for caring about me, even when I barely spoke to you. And this one is for giving me hope." She leaned in and kissed him one more time. James kissing her back, his arms around her. His hands were around her waist, massaging her back.

When they finally broke away, James' voice was low. "If I ask you out, do I get another?" With a crooked grin, he looked at her hopefully. Lily nodded timidly. "Lily, do you want to be my girlfriend?"

"Yes!" Lily cried, throwing her arms around his neck. "I want you, who looked out for me, even when I was nasty; who loved me, even when I didn't want love; who saved me, even when I didn't want to be saved. I want you." They kissed, as the moon shone above them. "We can learn more about each other day by day."

**Author's Note: So, I always hated when author's would write, "Oh, I hate this story/chapter" but I find myself wanting to write that. I am not pleased with this. But, I do like the way I developed Lily. Please review and give advice… I would love to rewrite this a couple times, since it isn't that great.**


End file.
